


Finding Happiness

by brokenhighways



Series: Finding Happiness [6]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 16:36:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2435585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there’s one thing that Jared’s learned from his relationship with Jensen and everything that preceded it it’s that he has to be true to himself. So while his head is saying one thing and his heart is saying another, all Jared can use as the deciding factor is the truth. He doesn’t want to walk away – it’s not like he could even if he wanted to – and maybe it really is that simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> Song quotes are from Not Strong Enough by Apocalyptica/Never Be The Same by Red.

 

# I: Jared

_I’m not strong enough to stay away_

It’s been a few weeks since Jared went to see Jensen’s mom, just long enough for him to start thinking that everything’s fine and that he didn’t screw up by confronting her over Jensen. However, shit hits the fan one afternoon when Jared gets back from his shift. Jensen's supposed to be at work, but he's at home, pacing in the kitchen and he looking angry as hell. This probably explains why he's been getting Jensen's voicemail all afternoon.

"Hey, what's up?" Jared says as he places his jacket over one of the chairs. "I called you like a million times." He keeps his voice light and easy, knowing fully well that nothing good comes out of one of Jensen's moods.

"Yeah, my phone is broken," Jensen says quietly. "I got a call I didn't like and I threw it against a wall." Jared sighs to himself and moves to wash his hands. Jensen watches him silently and Jared waits for the eventual explosion. Usually, he'd do his best to smother it, and ask Jensen outright, but things are different now. They don't have that same relationship anymore.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I didn't like the call?" Jensen asks. Jared turns to look at him and realizes that the anger is directed at _him_. He leans against the sink, folds his arms and waits.

"Why don't you tell me," he says. Jensen's eyes widen in surprise, as if he wasn't expecting Jared to stand his ground.

"Why don't I..." Jensen breaks off to laugh bitterly. "Nice to know that you've finally grown a pair of balls." Jared snorts and moves to walk past him but Jensen grabs a hold of his arm. Jared shakes himself free and shoves him back as his own anger flares off.

"Don't," he says in warning. "Just say what you have to say, or let me walk away." It's not that Jared's never stood up to Jensen before, he has, just...normally they wouldn't get to this point. And while Jared knows that Jensen would never hurt him, backing down all the time isn't going to help Jensen resolve anger issues.

"You said something to my mom," Jensen spits out. "And now she's cut off all visits. She says that she'll _call_ when she can." Fuck. Jared deflates slightly as the words sink in. He finds that he actually thinks it's a good idea. Jensen's been tense and on edge of late and his mom is obviously a huge contributing factor. Some space would do them good.

"All I said was that she shouldn't be telling you certain things," Jared replies. "And I'm not sorry either. You can act all tough now and pretend that you're okay but I know better and I did what I had to do."

Jensen takes a step back and starts to pace again. "You had _no_ right. This - me and my mom - it's none of your business."

"It is my business when I have to watch you come back from each visit, when I have to listen to you tell me that she's bringing up shitty memories that you've tried so hard to bury," Jared retorts. "I couldn't not say anything!"

"Oh, so you think that this is what we both need? More lost time? How on earth am I going to function when I'll be worrying about her hurting herself or...or worse!"

"You'll be fine," Jared says. "And this isn't about you losing time or your mom. Or hell, me saying anything at all. It's about guilt. You're relieved that she's given you a break and you hate yourself for it. That's the truth, right?"

"You know what?" Jensen snaps. "Fuck you. You went behind my back and you said all of that shit, you _upset_ my mom, just because you're jealous that my mother is actually sorry for what she did."

"That's not why I did it!" Jared protests. "God, do you really think I'd something like that?" The look on Jensen's face gives him the answer almost immediately.

"You know, when we first moved here, I'd watch you looking at people in the streets, at people your own age. You'd get this look in your eye and I'd say to myself ' _he wishes that was him_ ' and I was right. You got yourself a bunch of friends and went out of your way to make me question everything about myself. And you know what? I can forgive all of that. It hurt, but I can forgive it. I can forgive a whole fucking lot but not this. Not this. I will _never_ forgive you." Jensen turns to leave and Jared finds himself being the one to grab an arm. His arm isn't shaken off; Jensen just stands there and waits, and that right there is the difference between them. Jared's impulsive and he does things without thinking about the consequences while Jensen's patient until he's pushed to the ledge. Jared lets go abruptly and goes to sit down.

"I...I can't say that I'm sorry," he says. "Because I'm not. I'd do it again tomorrow if I was given a chance because I love you. I fucking love you and it hurts _me_ to see you all cut up about stuff she says, and I just...I had to do it. I had to be the one to stick up for once. Just once. I had to have your back. Kind of like when you took a baseball bat to that car. You were protecting me, right?"

"My mom and some two-bit thug that wanted to fuck you are not two in the same," Jensen says. "So why don't you just go to hell and stay the fuck away from me." He leaves then and Jared flinches at the slammed door. He stares at it for a few seconds before placing his head in his hands.

What the hell is he supposed to do now?

~

By the time Jared stops feeling sorry for himself an hour has passed. He’s still sitting at the kitchen table, wondering what to do and say next. He understands that he maybe shouldn’t have gotten involved but he’s still not sorry for saying what he did - just for the consequences that he’s caused. And considering that he’s never seen Jensen that angry before, he doesn’t think that he should attempt to say anymore on the matter. He moves out of the kitchen and heads to his room, intended to crash as soon as possible. However, Jensen’s waiting for him when he gets there and the room looks a lot tidier than it did when Jared left it in the morning. He enters and sits next to Jensen on his bed. Jensen still looks upset, but the anger in his eyes is gone.

“I didn’t mean any of that,” Jensen says. “I...you didn’t do anything wrong.” Jared considers that for a moment, before concluding that he did do something wrong. He spoke out of turn, gave advice that he shouldn’t have - behind Jensen’s back. His reasons are irrelevant, really, because nothing that makes Jensen this upset is _right_.

“Do you believe that or are you just saying that?” Jared says. “’cause I’d like to think that I have finally grown a pair of balls.” The joke feels hollow and it falls flat. Jensen shifts uncomfortably, as if he wants to leave but he’s forcing himself to stay.

“Don’t joke about it,” Jensen replies softly. “I never should have grabbed you like that. Not you or _anyone_. God, I wanted to punch you right in the face. What kind of person does that make me?”

Jared shrugs. “I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that you’d never hurt me. I’ve seen you angry and pissed a million times before and I know that you’d never do that.”

“You said that I _scared_ you!”

Jared frowns as he tries to remember when he said that. It takes about a minute or so for it to come to him and he sighs and says, “I didn’t mean _that_.” Jensen doesn’t look too convinced but Jared can see the moment that he drops it, shoulders sinking as he exhales slowly.

“Do you ever think that we would have things a lot easier if we just explained shit when we said it?” he asks and Jared laughs a little.

“When have we _ever_ taken the easy route?” he replies. Jensen rolls his eyes, but Jared knows that he’s not annoyed or anything. It’s then that Jared realizes that they’ve both made progress. Sure, it hurts that Jensen got that mad at him but...a tiny part of him is actually happy that he didn’t hold back. He just gave it to Jared straight instead of letting it go out of guilt.

“I was in court the day they sent my mom down,” Jensen admits slowly. "It was the scariest moment of my life. She went into through those doors and that was it."

Jared nods in understanding, "And you don't want to be in a situation where you don't see each other for a long period of time?" It's a leading question, purely because Jared can't quite place what Jensen's true feelings are. This conversation seems to be going in a slightly bumpy circle and he isn't sure how much longer he can take it.

"It's that and it's not that...you were right, I _am_ relieved," Jensen says with a tired laugh. "What kind of son does that make me?"

"It makes you human, Jensen," Jared replies. "I was overwhelmed after one phone call, let alone two years of prison visits. It happens. People reach their limits and need a break. So you know...suck it up." It's not as profound as a response could be but Jared doesn't see the point in beating around the bush. He gets that Jensen is upset, but this is one of those times where Jensen has to realize that, no, he's not to blame. And that there's no benefit in figuring out where to lie blame. It's just a waste of time.

"I guess you're right," Jensen says. "I just don't know how I'm supposed to not feel like I'm abandoning her."

Jared racks his brains quickly as he tries to come up with a doable solution. He snaps his fingers when it comes to him. Something that Jensen's mom had said about letters. "You could write. It might make things easier for a while, to say all of those things you can't to her face. I'm sure she would appreciate that."

"Maybe." Jensen doesn't sound convinced. "I meant what I said by the way, I was just pissed earlier. I'm not angry with you. In fact, I guess I should be thanking you for having my back. I'm not used to that."

"Hey, I'm not about to damage a car with a baseball bat and I'd probably chicken out of a fistfight, but I've got your back. You know that, right?" Jensen gives Jared a long hard look, as if he's not sure if it's an actual question. His face morphs into that expression that Jared can read from a mile away. The one that means that he's not going to like what Jensen has to say.

"I don't know that," he says. "But only because I've always looked out for myself that I don't expect anyone to." Jared doesn't reply right away, he gives himself time to process the words. Not that he needs much time; Jensen's right. He's never really come to Jared with a major problem, not even when things started happening with his mom. Jared was the one with the sleazy landlord, the reason why they got out of the life, and hell, he's been to Jensen for support more times than he can count. However, that doesn't mean that Jared's needy or anything, right? Jensen's just, good at putting up walls and not asking for help. He's _too_ good at it.

Jared just isn't wired that way, and with that thought in mind he leaves the conversation at that.

~

Three days after their argument Jensen comes back from work and dumps something heavy on the couch next to Jared. It feels like this is all they do these days. Work, come home, sleep and then back to work again. They don't exactly talk, not like they used to anyway.

"What's this?" he murmurs, about ready to fall asleep.

"A computer," Jensen grumbles as he toes off his shoes. "It's about time that we got one instead of waiting ten years for your phone to load Google." Jared snorts; Jensen's always been a self-confessed technophobe. Usually Jared would make some kind of joke about it, but given all that he's learnt about Jensen in the past few months, he knows that if anyone has a good reason not to care about computers and having the latest cell phone - it's Jensen.

"Why the sudden urge to have a computer?" he asks patiently, not that his tone counts for much when he stifles a yawn.

"For writing letters to my mom," Jensen says nonchalantly. Jared doesn't bother to read between the lines. He's too tired. "I thought that maybe you could help me out? She wanted to know what happened - all of it and...I can think of one person who deserves to know all of that."

"You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to," Jared says. He's not sure where this sudden desire to bare all is coming from. Getting information from Jensen is like opening canned tuna with a blunt knife; it might work if someone sticks at it long enough.

"No...I should have told you stuff, opened up more," Jensen says gruffly. "Maybe if I had we would still be..." He trails off, the _together_ sticking on his tongue.

"Well, I'm here whenever you want to talk," Jared says lightly. He has a pounding headache behind his eye and the last thing he wants to do is discuss the specifics of their non-relationship. That's a headache in its own right. "What are we doing for dinner tonight?"

“Actually, I’m going out in a few hours.” Jensen’s tone is uncharacteristically nervous and Jared finally turns away from the Judge Judy rerun that he’s barely been watching.

"With Danneel and Chris?" he asks. Jensen looks down at the ground and Jared braces himself for what's about to come; it can't be anything good.

"With someone else," Jensen says vaguely. He seems to reconsider his answer as he looks back up at Jared. "It's kind of like a...date. Danneel thinks she's being helpful and..." Jared tunes him out shortly after the word _date_. He feels numb suddenly, like he's trapped under an iceberg, or in a cracked frozen lake. He wants to tell Jensen that he can't possibly consider going when he's supposed to be with _Jared_ but it defies the whole point of everything they've been through in the last few months. He has no say in the matter.

"Oh, well...have fun," Jared manages to reply, his tone blank. "I guess I'll just order something in for dinner." Dinner for one; it sounds so fucking morbid that Jared's tempted to give Justin a call. Being drunk can only be an improvement on how he feels right now. Jensen nods, but remains where he's standing, almost as if he's waiting for something. Jared just turns back to the TV and does his best not to grimace at the effect the bright display is having on his headache.

~

The lingering scent of Jensen's cologne eventually drives Jared out of the apartment. He decides to go for a run despite the fact that he hasn't run for what seems like forever. It's unsettling and weird to think of Jensen being with someone else, because in all of their time knowing each other, he's never seen Jensen so much as _look_ at another person. They never really went on dates when they were together either, and...Jared feels like he's being replaced somehow. It hurts, but Jared isn't angry because at the end of the day, all he wants is for Jensen to be happy, be it with him or someone that he'll hate sight-unseen. He can't deny being a little jealous and he uses that to push himself, heart hammering in his chest as his feet collide with the sidewalk. They've always been in their own little bubble; Jared and Jensen, Jensen and Jared. Now that bubble is gone and things are much clearer out here in the real world. He can't take Jensen for granted and expect him to stick around forever.

If he wants Jensen back, he has to fight for him.

He trudges home slowly, his legs burning from the exertion and his skin sticky with sweat. He thinks about what to say and how he'll go about getting Jensen back but his mind is blank. They don't do grand declarations or material things like gifts and he's at a real loss for the right words to put together. He's so lost in thought that he loses track of his surroundings and collides unto someone just outside of the apartment building. A familiar scent hits his nose and he's surprised to see Jensen looking up at him, fond smile etched onto his face.

"Hi," he says, like he's not supposed to be off somewhere making out with his date.

"Hi..." Jared replies despite himself and they stand there for a moment, eyes locked on each other. It almost feels like they've gotten their bubble back.

~

Jared's the first to wake up, only doing so when his bed shifts slightly. He blinks one eye open and catches sight of a pale, bare arm next to him and he groans inwardly as the memories of the previous night come flooding back to him. One of them ordered a pizza. Him and Jensen going shot for shot with a bottle of tequila that he'd dragged out from somewhere. The thickening and increasingly stifle silence snapping and turning into something else. As if on cue, Jared fingers the bruise forming on his neck, shivering slightly as more memories flit through his mind. Them having sex feels kind of wrong when Jensen was supposedly dating someone else. It might be early days but still; it's wrong, even if Jensen had been the one to make the first move.

"What happened on your date?" Jared asks. "Why did you come back here and..." He trails off knowing that Jensen is both awake and aware of what he's trying to ask.

"Good morning to you too," Jensen mutters. He sounds like he's still half asleep but this is _important_.

"Jensen."

"I...got there and I bailed after about ten minutes because...he wasn't you," Jensen admits. "And I might have a messed up view on relationships but I'm not crazy enough to go into one when I'm in love with someone else."

"You were the one to break up with me," Jared snaps before he can stop himself.

"Only after I begged you not to end things," Jensen reasons. "Believe it or not, I do have some pride. Either way arguing about this is pointless, isn't it? Sleeping together once doesn't mean we have to get back together. It doesn't mean anything."

Jared suddenly feels very tired. They can't keep doing this. They can't keep going in circles and hope that someone helps them with their precarious game of _Spin The Wheel_.

"It _means_ something to me," he says. "And I think it meant something to you. You say that you love me, and I _know_ that I love you. So, you know, we're either together or we're not. I'm not going to keep doing this with you. Dancing around the obvious and acting like we're just _roommates_. It's bullshit, Jensen and you know what? I didn't break up with you because I genuinely didn't want to. If I had thought for a second that me not being in your life would have helped us with our issues, I would have made the sacrifice. So what's it going to be? Are we together or not?"

Jensen exhales deeply. "Ask me again when I’m not half asleep. It’s too early for this shit.” He turns and buries himself under _Jared’s_ covers and as Jared watches him, he finds himself getting angrier. This isn't his fault. Okay, sure, he set the damn wheels in motion and failed spectacularly when it came to sorting out his own issues - though one could argue that the phone call had been progress.

But given all that Jensen's revealed since, he was right to have concerns and while he hasn't said anything about Jensen not telling him about his mom before, he doesn't think ' _I wish you'd ask_ ' really works as an excuse when Jensen is the most closed off person he knows. Jensen is supposed to tell him all that stuff and maybe then Jared wouldn’t have thought his boyfriend was miserable because of _him_ , because of _them_. He still thinks that they were way too wrapped up in each other, but it's obvious now that they both had issues that managed to eclipse their relationship. Jared’s jealousy regarding people his age, the feeling that he was wasting away by not going out and having fun, and Jensen's increasingly erratic moods were down to being in contact with his mom. All that, in Jared’s mind, leads to time wasted and that in turn makes him angrier.

*

Jared follows Jensen to the bar across the street from Danneel's coffee shop the next evening. They're still no clearer on where they stand but they're at least being amicable. Jared’s still a little bit pissed off that Jensen dismissed him so easily, and about all that Jensen has kept from him but he’s grown tired of talking. Right now he just wants a drink. Jensen disappears off to a booth as soon as they enter, leaving Jared to roll his eyes and head towards the bar. He drops down onto a stool, wincing as his ass connects with the hard material. He orders a neat whiskey and downs it all in go.

“It’s Jared, right?” He turns to his left and sees a petite looking brunette looking up at him and he recognizes her from one of Justin’s little get togethers; however he can’t recall her name. She looks friendly enough so he nods and signals to the bartender. He needs another drink.

“I thought so!” she says brightly, and Jared finds himself smiling despite himself. “I’m Sandy! I used to hang out with your friend Justin.” There’s something in the way she says that, that makes Jared believe that it was more than hanging out but he doesn’t comment on that.

Instead he says, “He’s not my friend anymore.” It’s true to an extent; Jared doesn’t think they were ever friends. Yes, Justin had let him crash at his place that one time, and he’d referred Jared to the apartment building but try as he might he can’t remember having any meaningful conversations with him.

“Let me guess, he tried to sell you drugs?” Sandy asks as if it’s the most natural topic in the world.

Jared frowns at her, glancing around quickly to make sure that no one else overhears. There’s a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Jensen saying ‘ _Rule #1: Always check your surroundings. Always’_ and Jared’s thrown back into the memory of the worst night he ever had as a hooker. All he remembers about it is rough hands manhandling him, something being shoved down his throat and puking his guts up as he reacted to whatever _drug_ the guy had given him, before finally managing to stumble his way into a cab. It’s just brief snatches of memories but they linger every once in a while and Jared thanks whatever divine power there is that he’s alive.

“Are you okay?” Sandy’s peering at him with concern as Jared falls out of his thoughts. “Maybe you should switch to something less strong.” She eyes his whiskey glass and looks back at him. He nods at her but takes the last of it anyway, all in one go, grimacing as it burns his throat. Sometimes it’s good to remember, if only so he can use it as a warning for the future.

“I’m good,” he says. There’s a flurry of movement as Jensen arrives at the bar and tries in vain to get the bartender’s attention. Jared grows annoyed quickly and signals the guy over the second they make eye contact, pointing in Jensen’s direction when the bartender stops in front of him. The guy’s been giving him suggestive looks ever since Jared sat down but he’s not going to do anything about it. Sandy watches the situation unfold silently and when Jensen vanishes back in the direction of the booths, she turns to him, her eyes bright with curiosity.

“Are you and that guy dating?” she asks. “I remember you mentioning a boyfriend. Jason, was it?”

“Jensen,” Jared corrects her, not that he wants to talk about this at all. “And we’re not together anymore.”

“Oh well, that’s a shame,” Sandy says. She leaves it there even though Jared can tell that she wants to say more, but there must be something on his face that puts her off because she sips at her drink instead.

*

It takes Jensen a couple of days to realize that Jared isn’t really talking to him and he invites him to lunch. They’ve done this routine before, Jensen realizes that he’s pissed and tries to make a gesture. Usually Jared lets it go because he can appreciate the effort, but not this time. The feeling of rejection is still lingering inside of him, a sour, bitter storm just waiting for the perfect moment to erupt.

“You’re quiet,” Jensen says from across the table. They’re at Danneel’s place (apparently it’s the only place in the city) and in between her curious glances and the loud college kids at the table next to them, he’s been getting increasingly irritated.

“You’re one to talk,” he replies shortly. Jensen rolls his eyes and goes back to his sandwich and Jared’s done with their crappy lunch. He throws down his napkin, pushes his chair back and leaves. “I’m going home.”

“What about work?” he hears Jensen ask him as he makes his way over to the door. Jared doesn’t answer; he just doesn’t care anymore.

~

At the apartment, he tries to call Chad, but there’s no answer. In truth, he’s expecting Jensen to come after him but once an hour passes by, he gives up on that thought. Justin (of all people) leaves him a voice message to let him know that he’s covering for him and the irony of it makes Jared snort. He wonders how he got there, even though he knows the answer. He thinks about the way Chad said he and Jensen should be miserable together and knows that definitely isn’t the way forward - that’s how they _started_. Two messed up people coming together, trying as hard as they could to fit the broken pieces of themselves together but...dysfunction isn’t symmetrical. It’s jagged around the edges, _messy_ and sometimes you just have to start from the beginning.

# II: Jensen

_Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame_

Sometimes Jensen really hates his job, but other times, he’s grateful that he spends most of it with himself for company. It gives him time to think. And that’s all that he’s been doing since that night. The one where he stupidly went on that date. It’s stupid because he could have easily told Danneel ‘no’ but part of him wanted to get a rise out of Jared. The stupid, self-destructive part of Jensen wanted Jared to feel as hurt as he had when he was left at home while Jared went out partying with his brainless ‘friends’. To say that the date had backfired is an understatement, though he doesn’t think it’s why Jared is so angry with him. Jared’s been upset with him before, and annoyed, but this time he seems _angry_. The kind of anger that takes a while to dissolve and the lunch is supposed to be a way to clear the air. Yeah, he was kind of standoffish when Jared asked if they're together but only because he really doesn’t know. Things were just starting to get back on track when all of this happened and Jensen knows that it’s his fault. The freak out over his mom rearranged the tectonic plates and now he and Jared are heading for a damn earthquake. So he decides to try to talk things out but Jared’s completely unresponsive. It’s like looking into a house with all of its lights off. Jared looks done, completely and utterly done and Jensen wishes that he’d just said _yes_. Wishes that things could just be easy for once.

And then he gets home and sees the note on the table and he thinks, maybe it’s been easy all along.

~

Jensen’s never been able to get his driver’s license. It’s not a personal choice, but his pimps and johns didn’t exactly care past him being able to swallow and take it up the ass whenever they commanded him to. If anything, it’s a miracle that he managed to get his GED a while back, and that was only so he could work out his payments properly and deal with anyone who tried to shaft him. Ironically enough, the GED registration paperwork is how Jeff got a hold of him and even though he’s all out of favors with the man, Jensen has no one else to turn to. Jared’s gone, and he could be in danger. Jeff taking care of the landlord came with a condition, basically there would only be a problem if the guy crossed the city border and tried to come after Jared at their new place. If one of them was to go back to the other city, it was fair game. Jared’s basically a dead man if he’s caught, not that he knows why Jared would go back. There’s only one possible reason and there’s no way that Jared would go back to turning tricks so Jensen’s at a loss.

After getting Jeff’s voicemail ten times, Jensen calls Chad instead, hoping that Jared’s friend has a semblance of an idea where he could be. Chad’s not exactly his biggest fan but he doesn’t have many options. There are only a handful of people out there that know him and Jared, and it’s not until this moment that Jensen’s realized how _sad_ that is. They deserve better than that and if by some miracle they can figure their shit out, he vows that he’ll try his best not to spend time living in his own head, wallowing in the memories of the past. After all, there’s only so much that he can blame his past on. At some point Jensen has to start accepting that he’s not always made the best choices; he hasn’t always been honest. He’s lied, he’s stolen, he’s flawed and maybe it’s not the death sentence he’s always thought it was because he’s cleaned himself up. He tried to make himself a better person because of Jared, and he’s not about to let the person he cares about the most walk out of his life and into danger at the same time.

Chad is abrupt at first, not that Jensen blames him. They don’t like each other; the feeling is one hundred percent mutual. He doesn’t trust Chad and vice versa. However, he knows that if anyone has a lead on what’s going on in Jared’s head right now, it’ll be Chad.

“Listen to me, Jared’s gone,” Jensen says. “We...things have been kind of tense recently and he left me a note that said something about starting at the beginning. I think I have an idea what that means but I’m hoping that I could be wrong. Did he say anything to you?” There’s an audible rustle, followed by the low murmur of Chad swearing under his breath, including what sounds like an insult aimed at Jensen. He ignores it, not interested in continuing his petty feud with Chad. Not when Jared’s out there, possibly in the middle of doing something stupid.

“If you have a lead, then why are you calling me?” Chad asks. “Go and find him.” Jensen grits his teeth; he’d expected some resistance, and he hates that he needs to rely on someone. But Jared has a head start on him and he doesn’t think he can sit on buses and _not_ flip out, so he’s stuck trying to find someone to help him. Someone that knows the situation. When he puts this to Chad, the other man stops disguising his anger and lets rip.

“No, Jensen,” he says coldly. “You have friends, right? I’m sure one of them can drive you. You’re not ashamed of your past are you?” His voice is dripping with contempt and it becomes obvious then that Chad knows something that he’s not letting on. He decides to indulge him, just so he can convince Chad to spill.

“Why wouldn’t I be ashamed?” he says. “Do you think I wanted to spend years of my life fucking other people for money?”

Chad snorts. “All I know is that you had no issue with dragging a fucking eighteen year old into your sordid little life.” Given all the guilt that Jensen’s felt over this, the comment should shake him up but it doesn’t because...for once, he actually believes that Jared really doesn’t blame him. He hates that it took him so long to see it but he can be sorry for what happened without hating himself at the same time. He knows that now and nothing Chad says will ever change that. There might be some residual guilt left over, but that’s just normal, he thinks. One of those blips that are unavoidable in life.

“You know what Chad? Me and you can have this argument later, okay? You can call me every name under the sun, or hell, take a shot at me and I won’t stop you, but right now all I care about is knowing what Jared’s intentions are. Can you help me or not?”

“This is your fault,” Chad says. “All of it. I looked you up when I first came across Jared, because I couldn’t understand if you were just fucking with him on purpose or because there was something wrong with you, and I found all of that stuff about your mom’s case. Sure, you were using a fake surname but there aren’t many Jensen’s out there. Everything is available via public record.”

“Get to the point, Chad.”

“The point is that you should have told Jared about your situation a long time ago, not right in the middle of his freak out about missing his old life. He was missing it and he felt bad about it because of _you_. And then he finds out that you’ve been seeing your mom at a _prison_ and all of that. I bet you still haven’t told him what really happened. At least not the parts that fit your little sympathy routine.” Jensen’s bites at his lip as he listens, shame coloring his cheeks, because Chad’s right in that he still hasn’t told Jared everything. The part that Chad’s referring to is the part where his mom claims she was in the wrong place at the wrong time; inadvertently caught up in one of her boyfriend’s crimes. He’s read it for himself and knowing Jeff has only reinforced the doubt he has over the validity of her version of events but he pushes it down and keeps it locked away because what son doesn’t believe their own mother? It’s better for him to acknowledge that she’s been jailed for a crime and leave it there than to worry about the intricacies of it all and that means not facing it until he has to.

He just never realized that not telling Jared would lead to all of this.

Chad eventually spills that Jared borrowed some money from him in order to ‘pay off a debt’, confirming Jensen’s worst fears about the sleazy landlord. He knows that Jared’s only doing it because he feels some kind of way about the agreement Jensen made with Jeff, which is probably null and void anyway. If there’s one thing Jensen knows, it’s that lawyers are never to be trusted.

~

After a hurried and stressful conversation with Danneel, she finally agrees to give him a ride out of the city, all while grumbling about how she can’t trust her hopeless assistant manager to look after the shop. Jensen tunes her out and goes back to ringing Jared’s cell. Miraculously, Jared actually picks this call. There’s loud, bass music sounding in the background as Jensen tries to rein back his anger.

“Hey, it’s me,” he says, keeping his voice as light as possible. “Where are you?”

“I only picked up because Chad told me you knew about him loaning me some cash,” Jared replies, deliberately dodging the question. “Just leave it alone, okay? I don’t need you to come down here and fight my battles for me.” The call cuts off so suddenly that it takes Jensen a few seconds to remove the phone from his ear.

~

In the end, he finds Jared leaning outside a tacky looking club with blood stained knuckles and a self-satisfying smile on his face. As Jensen nears him, it becomes apparent that Jared’s been waiting for him. Danneel’s parked somewhere around the corner and Jensen knows that when they get home she’s going to bombard him with a million questions until he tells her the truth. He can worry about that later though, because first of all he has to sort out this mess with Jared. They can’t keep chipping away at each or letting the past drag them down; they made it out and they owe it to themselves to see it through.

“I think I’ve broken my hand,” Jared says when Jensen stops in front of him. He waves the blood stained hand in question and Jensen grabs his wrist and takes a look at it, he’s certainly punched enough people in his time to know when bones are broken. The skin of the knuckles has split open in some places but his fingers don’t look misaligned.

“It’s probably just sprained,” he says. He lets go gently and watches as Jared winces. “So who was the lucky victim?”

“I paid off that scumbag and gave him the little extra he was after,” Jared replies with a shrug. “Apparently I can fight when I’m pissed off enough.” Wow. Jensen’s not sure how to feel about making Jared _that_ mad. He knows that everything he’s done from the point where he told Jared about the date has been the ultimate definition of the _wrong_ move but…seeing Jared all amped up like this is unusual to say the least.

“I’d already sorted this whole thing out,” Jensen says. “So excuse me if I don’t really get why you’d come all the way down here and willingly put yourself in danger, just to make some kind of point.” He gets it, he really does, Jared feels like he owes Jensen for settling the last incident and the argument about his mom only reinforced everything. Factor in _their_ argument and Jared’s actions make even more sense. However, there’s something so very stupid about the situation because he knows that most of the anger stems from the fact that he didn’t answer Jared’s question a few nights ago.

“Now I don’t owe you anything at all, and I can feel like I’m truly free of this scumbag. I’d rather be indebted to my best friend for life than some low-life creep,” Jared explains. “And I didn’t do this lightly – just being here is fucking me up in more ways than you can imagine but…”

“You can’t run from your past,” Jensen picks up from where Jared trails off. “That doesn’t mean that we have to be back here.” He gestures around the streets. “This isn’t our beginning.” How can it be when Jensen can barely stand to walk down the streets with his head held high just in case someone recognizes him, especially when he’s with Danneel?

“You can say whatever you want to me, Jared,” he continues. “But I’m not doing this here.”

“Why are you here then?” Jared asks. “I didn’t make you come!”

Jensen snorts. “But you knew I would. That’s why you left that note. Back to the beginning – you knew it’d take me two seconds to get it. So your intention was to drag me all the way out there to tell me that you don’t owe me anything.” A group of people walk by and shoot them curious glances and Jensen can’t help feeling exposed. He’s not going to move from this spot, however, not until they sort this shit out once and for all.

“Maybe it was,” Jared says angrily. “It’s done now. I _don’t_ owe you anything and you don’t owe me anything so we can just part ways here and let all of this be done.” The anger seems to fade as he speaks and he sinks down to the ground, propping his legs up in front of him and resting his arms on his knees. Jensen joins him reluctantly, still not comfortable in having this out on _these_ streets, even if there is something kind of poetic about it.

“You’re wrong there,” he says. “We owe each other _everything_. And this is going to sound as cheesy as hell but, there’s no _me_ without _you_ , or _you_ without _me_ and that’s the way it’s always been. And I get that we were good before all of that stuff with my mom but I don’t want it to come between us.”

“Well maybe you should stop telling me to ask you everything and just tell me,” Jared says. “I can’t keep asking all the time and let you be all like, ‘Oh wait, here’s something else that I kept from you’. I just can’t. It doesn’t work that way. For the longest time, you didn’t open up unless you wanted to and you can’t just change overnight, Jensen. You can’t suddenly expect me to believe that you’ll tell me everything with no holds barred because that’s not you.”

“Jared—“ Jared holds up his hand, silently asking for Jensen to let him finish. Jensen sighs and leans back against the wall, shifting slightly as the cold air seeps through his shirt.

“You only have to spend a certain amount of time with a person to see how they are, and we did that and I saw something I didn’t like,” Jared continues. “You were miserable and I thought it was because of _me_ , because of _us_ and it turned out that there was this whole other part of your life that I knew nothing about and, maybe you’re entitled to keep that to yourself. Maybe. All I know is that I can’t keep second guessing myself anymore. I’ve been doing that my whole life and I’m tired of it.”

Jensen nods in understanding. “I respect that. You’re right. I should have told you once we…got together. It wasn’t deliberate, Jared, I’m just used to holding it all in. I didn’t want to bother you with all of the drama when you were already going through so much but I made a mistake and I’m sorry. However, I’m not going to take all of the blame for this. You fucked up too with all that bullshit about making friends.” Jared looks surprised at that for a moment before his shoulders deflate and he nods gently.

“I was trying to pass my own insecurities off as yours and that was wrong of me,” he says. “I was missing my old life and it just consumed every single thought I had and it got out of hand. I know that I fucked everything up for us and I _am_ sorry for that. I just don’t know where we go from here.”

~

“So…you were _both_ hookers?” Danneel is saying as Jensen helps her wash up. After days of pestering him, he finally gave in and told her everything. Obviously he left out most of the gritty details, but she asked for a story and that’s what he gave her. Right down to the situation last week, outside the club. “And now you’re sort of broken up but not at the same time? Good grief, I need a drink. In fact I need several.”

With him and Jared living in the same space, they can’t avoid the situation and he knows that there’s a finite time before one of them gets fed up and tries to move on – that’s if they can’t resolve things.

“You’re preaching to the choir, man,” is Jensen’s response. “Laying it all out for you makes me see just how crazy all of this is. Maybe we are better off going our separate ways.”

“Or you can both agree to put all of your differences aside and just work everything out,” Danneel says. “It sounds like you both know what went wrong, and clearly you’re not ready to move on if it took one _failed_ date with someone else for you to jump back into bed with him. Seriously. Stop trying to win the man pain league and just get on with it.”

“The man pain league?”

Danneel nods. “Yup. You’re hurt and he’s hurt and you both want to just wallow until it magically goes away. It’s not going to happen and the way I see it, he asked you a question and you haven’t answered.”

“I told him to ask me…” Jensen pauses as all that Jared said last week plays in his mind. “Okay, so maybe this one is on me, but what the hell is my answer supposed to be? It’s not that simple.”

“You love him don’t you?” she says. Jensen nods because he feels like he’s said that enough times; the whole fucking world probably knows that he loves Jared. Hell, Jared knows so, that’s not an issue. It’s never been one. Since the day he met Jared, there’s always been a pull, some sort of magnetic force that kept them together and Jensen knows that it’ll never go away.

He still wants Jared, and he still has a question to answer. Maybe it is that simple. He turns and rushes out, not caring that his hands are still dripping wet with soapy dishwater.

~

Jared’s on the laptop when he gets home, squinting at the handwritten letter Jensen wrote when he realized that he didn’t have the patience for computers. It’s generic bullshit about life, some of it’s true and some of it is…embellished but a tiny part of him is still pissed off with his mom, so he knows that she won’t be expecting declarations of love. Technically Jared’s not supposed to read it but Jensen didn’t exactly go out of his way to hide it.

“Half of this isn’t legible,” Jared says when he sees Jensen. “Your handwriting is officially worse than mine. I thought that I’d write one too. It only seems fair, especially if I inadvertently said something to her that made her feel a certain type of way. I…I like your mom. A lot more than I thought I would, and after what you told me I guess I…feel bad.” It’s not that he was worried that Chad would spill the beans but Jensen’s not going to say that wasn’t a factor in him telling Jared about his mom’s version of events regarding the night that she was arrested. He should have told Jared before he went to visit, and maybe they’d be in a better place right now. What really strikes Jensen is that Jared believes her even though _he_ still has his doubts and he’s only met her once. Jared’s never once judged the situation or lambasted Jensen for running away back when he was a kid, he’s never once made Jensen feel like he was inferior because he didn’t graduate high school and he hasn’t done a whole bunch of things that adults today would consider normal – he never once judged Jensen for being a hooker, even before he got into the game himself.

He just always accepted Jensen as he is and people like that are hard to come by.

“The answer is _yes_ ,” he blurts out, forgetting Jared doesn’t have the same train of thoughts that he does. At Jared’s confused expression, he elaborates. “You asked me if we were together or not and…the answer’s yes. I need you and…I’m in love with you. All of the other stuff is just _details_.”

“Details that we maybe need to discuss,” Jared replies. “But…okay. We’re…together.” He sounds hesitant and Jensen wastes no time in walking over to him and _showing_ him that he means it. Somehow when they’re in their own little bubble, Jensen manages to forget all the bad and just for that moment, he’s _happy_.

They’re happy.

~

# III: Jared

_I just can’t walk away_

For a brief moment Jared lets himself get caught up in the feeling of Jensen's lips on his; his reaction instant as he presses forward. It takes a minute or so for his brain to come back online and when it does he pushes Jensen away gently. All they've done since they got back to NYC is try to go on as normal, neither of them daring to broach the subject just in case it leads to yet another huge argument. Jared's man enough to admit that it's virtually all that's been on his mind. He just didn't imagine that things would go like this.   
  
"What was that?" he asks, once Jensen's had enough time to compose himself. "The answer is yes?" Jared knows exactly what Jensen means but not only does he need to hear it in full, he's not sure if it'll be enough. It's going to take more than one word to right all of the layers of dysfunction they've wedged between them. They even have to consider the fact that there might not be any going back. At least that's what Jared's been telling himself; it's what Chad's been saying, what Sandy's been saying (and she doesn't know ninety percent of what Chad does). He listens and agrees with them but ultimately, he's not sure that he _believes_ it.   
  
"You asked me if we were together or not and I didn't answer," Jensen says calmly, like he thinks that he's making sense. Maybe he is. No. No he isn't. They had that conversation weeks ago!  
  
"Shouldn't we talk about it first?" Jared asks because he doesn't know what else to say. It's not like he woke up today and decided that today was the day, and even if Jensen did, one of them has to be reasonable here, or they'll be right back in this same position six months down the line.   
  
"I'm done talking," Jensen says defiantly. "All we've done is talk and...What’s the point if we don't get anything out of it? I know what I want." He looks so hopeful that Jared almost can't stop himself from giving in right there and then.

Instead he takes a step back and asks, "But what's changed since yesterday? Why now?”

“Because we can’t keep doing _this_ ,” Jensen says. “This weird in between, we can’t keep doing it. So we have two options. We stay or…we go our separate ways and…I…I can’t walk away. And I don’t think you can either and maybe it’s just that simple. Maybe things will be that much easier if we resolve things _together.”_

If there’s one thing that Jared’s learned from his relationship with Jensen and everything that preceded it it’s that he has to be true to himself. So while his head is saying one thing and his heart is saying another, all Jared can use as the deciding factor is the truth. He doesn’t want to walk away – it’s not like he could even if he wanted to – and maybe it really is that simple. Yes, they’ll be more bumps along the road, more drama, more fights and so on, but that’s a part of life.

It’s a part of _them_ and Jared’s not strong enough to stay away. So he gives in.

**Fin**

 

**Author's Note:**

> I considered ending on a much happier (and clearer) note but I thought leaving it there fit a lot better with the general tone of the verse. There might be more at some point but probably not for a while. Feedback and concrit are welcome! Thank you for reading ;)


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